Two Falmouth university students were refused entry into the Falmouth Rugby club last Friday evening. Bouncers at the Wibble Wobble Jelly Belly Pants on Fire dubstep/drum and bass event reportedly refused the pair entry after an unsuccessful drug search.
Rugby club spokesman/bouncer/gardener/accountant/manager/cleaner/bar tender and head of PR, Mr. Durnin issued the following statement “Oooo Arrr, Two of those bloody arty type students who wear those silly trousers did try and gain entry to the Wibble Wobble Jelly Belly Pants on Fire event this Friday. I didn’t like the look of them from the start, ‘Ad long hair they did. So they gots to the door and we searched ‘em, we did. Didn’t find any drugs on ‘em though. So I saids to my colleague Mr. Johnson, “Who in there right mind comes to one of these events without any drugs”? And he nodded, so I looked at their pupils and they was normal and their speech wasn’t even slurred. I started to think that they must be some of those humersexual’s you hear about on the news or even one of those down syndromes you read about! So Mr Johnson and me took ‘em round the back and gave ‘em both a good kicking just incase. Did the community a service we did.”
Staff here at The Daily Pasty managed to contact the students in question. A Mr. Joe Hunt, 18 years old and from London and a Mr. Jamie Smith, 18 years old and from Taunton. Both currently reside in the Tuke house halls of residence and are both studying the Art Foundation course at Wellington terrace. Mr Hunt told The Daily Pasty “I finished Uni at 3pm and decided to have a nap. I usually only sleep for an hour or two, but I slept all the way until 9pm. Normally I would buy my drugs before I headed up the Rugby Club but since I slept in I had planned on getting them inside” whereas Mr. Smith went on to say “You hear about all these local families trying to raise 47 kids on benefits and it is heart breaking. So I decided I would help support the local economy and buy my drugs from a local at the Rugby Club. You cant miss them, they sit on the seats opposite the bar, all wearing trackies, looking like they have committed a murder or two sitting with their 13 year old baby momma wearing hooped earrings.”
Falmouth Police have decided that there is not enough evidence to investigate the attack. Our force insider informs us however that the Police have looked into the case and once they learnt that neither tourists nor wealthy locals were involved, they simply didn’t care. When questioned about this the on duty desk sergeant said “The apparent fifty eyewitness’s, a statement admitting the attack from the Rugby club, CCTV and mobile phone footage of the attack would not hold up in any serious court of law and if you don’t mind this roll up isn’t going to roll itself, good day.”
The Daily Pasty recommends to any students attending the Blimbo Blambo I Slept With a Can of Tango dubstep event at the Rugby Club in December, that drugs should be bought and partly consumed before trying to gain entry. This will help when dealing with any bouncers, whose natural instinct it is to attack anyone who appears even slightly different than themselves. Excessive drug consumption will help you gain a wild manic look, reduce communication to basic grunts and help produce a body odor that matches that of the bouncers. Therefore helping you pass beneath their radar unnoticed and thus unharmed.
Staff here at The Daily Pasty managed to contact the students in question. A Mr. Joe Hunt, 18 years old and from London and a Mr. Jamie Smith, 18 years old and from Taunton. Both currently reside in the Tuke house halls of residence and are both studying the Art Foundation course at Wellington terrace. Mr Hunt told The Daily Pasty “I finished Uni at 3pm and decided to have a nap. I usually only sleep for an hour or two, but I slept all the way until 9pm. Normally I would buy my drugs before I headed up the Rugby Club but since I slept in I had planned on getting them inside” whereas Mr. Smith went on to say “You hear about all these local families trying to raise 47 kids on benefits and it is heart breaking. So I decided I would help support the local economy and buy my drugs from a local at the Rugby Club. You cant miss them, they sit on the seats opposite the bar, all wearing trackies, looking like they have committed a murder or two sitting with their 13 year old baby momma wearing hooped earrings.”
Falmouth Police have decided that there is not enough evidence to investigate the attack. Our force insider informs us however that the Police have looked into the case and once they learnt that neither tourists nor wealthy locals were involved, they simply didn’t care. When questioned about this the on duty desk sergeant said “The apparent fifty eyewitness’s, a statement admitting the attack from the Rugby club, CCTV and mobile phone footage of the attack would not hold up in any serious court of law and if you don’t mind this roll up isn’t going to roll itself, good day.”
The Daily Pasty recommends to any students attending the Blimbo Blambo I Slept With a Can of Tango dubstep event at the Rugby Club in December, that drugs should be bought and partly consumed before trying to gain entry. This will help when dealing with any bouncers, whose natural instinct it is to attack anyone who appears even slightly different than themselves. Excessive drug consumption will help you gain a wild manic look, reduce communication to basic grunts and help produce a body odor that matches that of the bouncers. Therefore helping you pass beneath their radar unnoticed and thus unharmed.
Keep safe, take drugs.
I can't believe two students would turn up to the rugby club with no drugs. Despicable.
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