Friday, 2 December 2011

National Maritime Museum to Stop Serving Alcohol.

Rupert Giles wearing Percy's hat

A 57-year-old local writer was arrested at the National Maritime Museam earlier today after a three hour drunken rampage.

Chaotic scenes at the National Maritime Museum today as 57-year-old Rupert Giles, from Flushing, eluded security staff for three hours as he embarked on a sozzled trail of destruction that left thousands of pounds worth of damage.

Museum General Manager Susan Pitt released this statement: “Rupert, is well known to us. He is a familiar face in the research library and has never done anything like this before. He arrived at around 11am, Lucy on the door said he seemed in good spirits. Till records show e had his first drink, a double rum and coke at around 11.07am and then around three or four of the same in the next hour. During the clean up, we also found a discarded bottle of Tesco’s own brand whiskey; our in house forensic team is trying to determine if it belongs to Rupert. In fact they commented how much they are enjoying working with something that doesn’t smell of fish. We received our first complaint about Rupert from another customer, at this point, around 2pm; Rupert was in our lighthouse exhibition acting aggressively towards our lighthouse keeper mannequin nicknamed Percy by the staff. Apparently a clearly emotional and distressed Rupert was screaming at Percy ‘You slept with her didn’t you? Don’t deny it, I can smell her on you, How could you? You salmon sucking, shark shagging, heron humping, whale wanking son’of’a’bitch’ He then proceeded to put Percy in a headlock, causing Percy’s head to fall off, to which Rupert laughed ‘Fear me for I am Poseidon’ and ran off and security staff gave chase. A game of cat and mouse ensued for a further half an hour until we thought we had him cornered on the ground floor. However, he eluded our brightest security minds, by taking refuge in the Robinson family boat, making cunningly deceptive Dolphin noises as we scoured the area. I believe he must of scared himself, made himself believe either he was an actual Dolphin or there was a Dolphin in the boat with him. He jumped from the boat screaming ‘Get it away from me” and ran to the first floor. Whilst on the first floor Rupert dropped his trousers and began urinating into the children’s boating pool below all the while shouting horrifically tuneless rendition of ‘Rule Britannia’ periodically broken up by his own added chorus of ‘I voted for Thatcher in the 80’s and I would do it again, Fuck the miners, fuck the miners’. It was at this point that Police eventually turned up and apprehended Rupert. Needless to say, we will no longer be serving alcohol on the premises.

The Daily Pasty contacted Falmouth Police asking why it took over three hours to respond to the emergency call from the Maritime Museum. After receiving no answer to our own phone calls, we decided to ask Mrs. Bayliss, wife of PC. Bayliss and local lollypop lady. She said “My ‘usband, you see, was in the middle of some very important police business, ‘e was, when the Maritime first called ‘im, ‘e was waiting outside of Presto bakery waiting for ‘em £1 pasties to start, if you don’t get in their quick you see, all the best ones are gone.”

Monday, 28 November 2011

Students Refused Entry at Rugby Club Event.

Two Falmouth university students were refused entry into the Falmouth Rugby club last Friday evening. Bouncers at the Wibble Wobble Jelly Belly Pants on Fire dubstep/drum and bass event reportedly refused the pair entry after an unsuccessful drug search.

Rugby club spokesman/bouncer/gardener/accountant/manager/cleaner/bar tender and head of PR, Mr. Durnin issued the following statement “Oooo Arrr, Two of those bloody arty type students who wear those silly trousers did try and gain entry to the Wibble Wobble Jelly Belly Pants on Fire event this Friday. I didn’t like the look of them from the start, ‘Ad long hair they did. So they gots to the door and we searched ‘em, we did. Didn’t find any drugs on ‘em though. So I saids to my colleague Mr. Johnson, “Who in there right mind comes to one of these events without any drugs”? And he nodded, so I looked at their pupils and they was normal and their speech wasn’t even slurred. I started to think that they must be some of those humersexual’s you hear about on the news or even one of those down syndromes you read about! So Mr Johnson and me took ‘em round the back and gave ‘em both a good kicking just incase.  Did the community a service we did.”

Staff here at The Daily Pasty managed to contact the students in question. A Mr. Joe Hunt, 18 years old and from London and a Mr. Jamie Smith, 18 years old and from Taunton.  Both currently reside in the Tuke house halls of residence and are both studying the Art Foundation course at Wellington terrace. Mr Hunt told The Daily Pasty “I finished Uni at 3pm and decided to have a nap. I usually only sleep for an hour or two, but I slept all the way until 9pm. Normally I would buy my drugs before I headed up the Rugby Club but since I slept in I had planned on getting them inside” whereas Mr. Smith went on to say “You hear about all these local families trying to raise 47 kids on benefits and it is heart breaking. So I decided I would help support the local economy and buy my drugs from a local at the Rugby Club. You cant miss them, they sit on the seats opposite the bar, all wearing trackies, looking like they have committed a murder or two sitting with their 13 year old baby momma wearing hooped earrings.”

Falmouth Police have decided that there is not enough evidence to investigate the attack. Our force insider informs us however that the Police have looked into the case and once they learnt that neither tourists nor wealthy locals were involved, they simply didn’t care. When questioned about this the on duty desk sergeant said “The apparent fifty eyewitness’s, a statement admitting the attack from the Rugby club, CCTV and mobile phone footage of the attack would not hold up in any serious court of law and if you don’t mind this roll up isn’t going to roll itself, good day.”

The Daily Pasty recommends to any students attending the Blimbo Blambo I Slept With a Can of Tango dubstep event at the Rugby Club in December, that drugs should be bought and partly consumed before trying to gain entry. This will help when dealing with any bouncers, whose natural instinct it is to attack anyone who appears even slightly different than themselves. Excessive drug consumption will help you gain a wild manic look, reduce communication to basic grunts and help produce a body odor that matches that of the bouncers. Therefore helping you pass beneath their radar unnoticed and thus unharmed.

Keep safe, take drugs.