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| Rupert Giles wearing Percy's hat |
A 57-year-old local writer was arrested at the National Maritime Museam earlier today after a three hour drunken rampage.
Chaotic scenes at the National Maritime Museum today as 57-year-old Rupert Giles, from Flushing, eluded security staff for three hours as he embarked on a sozzled trail of destruction that left thousands of pounds worth of damage.
Museum General Manager Susan Pitt released this statement: “Rupert, is well known to us. He is a familiar face in the research library and has never done anything like this before. He arrived at around 11am, Lucy on the door said he seemed in good spirits. Till records show e had his first drink, a double rum and coke at around 11.07am and then around three or four of the same in the next hour. During the clean up, we also found a discarded bottle of Tesco’s own brand whiskey; our in house forensic team is trying to determine if it belongs to Rupert. In fact they commented how much they are enjoying working with something that doesn’t smell of fish. We received our first complaint about Rupert from another customer, at this point, around 2pm; Rupert was in our lighthouse exhibition acting aggressively towards our lighthouse keeper mannequin nicknamed Percy by the staff. Apparently a clearly emotional and distressed Rupert was screaming at Percy ‘You slept with her didn’t you? Don’t deny it, I can smell her on you, How could you? You salmon sucking, shark shagging, heron humping, whale wanking son’of’a’bitch’ He then proceeded to put Percy in a headlock, causing Percy’s head to fall off, to which Rupert laughed ‘Fear me for I am Poseidon’ and ran off and security staff gave chase. A game of cat and mouse ensued for a further half an hour until we thought we had him cornered on the ground floor. However, he eluded our brightest security minds, by taking refuge in the Robinson family boat, making cunningly deceptive Dolphin noises as we scoured the area. I believe he must of scared himself, made himself believe either he was an actual Dolphin or there was a Dolphin in the boat with him. He jumped from the boat screaming ‘Get it away from me” and ran to the first floor. Whilst on the first floor Rupert dropped his trousers and began urinating into the children’s boating pool below all the while shouting horrifically tuneless rendition of ‘Rule Britannia’ periodically broken up by his own added chorus of ‘I voted for Thatcher in the 80’s and I would do it again, Fuck the miners, fuck the miners’. It was at this point that Police eventually turned up and apprehended Rupert. Needless to say, we will no longer be serving alcohol on the premises.
Chaotic scenes at the National Maritime Museum today as 57-year-old Rupert Giles, from Flushing, eluded security staff for three hours as he embarked on a sozzled trail of destruction that left thousands of pounds worth of damage.
Museum General Manager Susan Pitt released this statement: “Rupert, is well known to us. He is a familiar face in the research library and has never done anything like this before. He arrived at around 11am, Lucy on the door said he seemed in good spirits. Till records show e had his first drink, a double rum and coke at around 11.07am and then around three or four of the same in the next hour. During the clean up, we also found a discarded bottle of Tesco’s own brand whiskey; our in house forensic team is trying to determine if it belongs to Rupert. In fact they commented how much they are enjoying working with something that doesn’t smell of fish. We received our first complaint about Rupert from another customer, at this point, around 2pm; Rupert was in our lighthouse exhibition acting aggressively towards our lighthouse keeper mannequin nicknamed Percy by the staff. Apparently a clearly emotional and distressed Rupert was screaming at Percy ‘You slept with her didn’t you? Don’t deny it, I can smell her on you, How could you? You salmon sucking, shark shagging, heron humping, whale wanking son’of’a’bitch’ He then proceeded to put Percy in a headlock, causing Percy’s head to fall off, to which Rupert laughed ‘Fear me for I am Poseidon’ and ran off and security staff gave chase. A game of cat and mouse ensued for a further half an hour until we thought we had him cornered on the ground floor. However, he eluded our brightest security minds, by taking refuge in the Robinson family boat, making cunningly deceptive Dolphin noises as we scoured the area. I believe he must of scared himself, made himself believe either he was an actual Dolphin or there was a Dolphin in the boat with him. He jumped from the boat screaming ‘Get it away from me” and ran to the first floor. Whilst on the first floor Rupert dropped his trousers and began urinating into the children’s boating pool below all the while shouting horrifically tuneless rendition of ‘Rule Britannia’ periodically broken up by his own added chorus of ‘I voted for Thatcher in the 80’s and I would do it again, Fuck the miners, fuck the miners’. It was at this point that Police eventually turned up and apprehended Rupert. Needless to say, we will no longer be serving alcohol on the premises.
The Daily Pasty contacted Falmouth Police asking why it took over three hours to respond to the emergency call from the Maritime Museum. After receiving no answer to our own phone calls, we decided to ask Mrs. Bayliss, wife of PC. Bayliss and local lollypop lady. She said “My ‘usband, you see, was in the middle of some very important police business, ‘e was, when the Maritime first called ‘im, ‘e was waiting outside of Presto bakery waiting for ‘em £1 pasties to start, if you don’t get in their quick you see, all the best ones are gone.”
